The Safety Policy Study Group is presenting this information for possible inclusion in the Safety section of our website. This is not a policy, but rather some suggestions to help our members (especially newcomers) assess difficult or stressful situations that arise in our healing journeys. There will be a Town Hall discussion on August 11, 2024 to further explore this material, but we are eager to have your comments to take into that discussion.
Background: At SMR we strive to create a gentle and respectful space for ACAs to grow and heal. However, we’re all human and events can happen before, during or after a meeting that create uncomfortable feelings. First, distinguish between feeling uncomfortable or unsafe and actually being in an unsafe situation (being bullied, harassed, or hunted). We encourage you to take some time for yourself when you feel triggered before relying on old habits. Triggers point to our own unhealed wounds and as we explore our feelings and responses we learn to accept the people we cannot change and have the courage to change ourselves. Learning to feel safe in our meeting and the world is a process. It takes time, patience, and good humour to build.
Purpose: To provide tools* (see REGULATE below) for you to access to be able to maintain a safe, centered, and balanced participation as an adult in our meeting and in the world, with ongoing guidance from our Loving Parents*.
Guidelines: We’ve divided these suggestions into two sections—setting and mindset
SETTING
Familiarize yourself with the boundaries we hold to maintain a respectful space. You’ll find most of these in the Safety section of our website. We’re including links here to those sections and other resources.
- Crosstalk – https://www.acamorning.org/newcomers/crosstalk/
- Anonymity – https://www.acamorning.org/on-anonymity/
- Naming – https://www.acamorning.org/names-and-images-guidelines/
- Meeting decorum – https://www.acamorning.org/wp-content/uploads/2021/02/aca-community-safety-guidelines-v2.pdf
- WSO resources –The Service Norms Document.
- The Five Stages of Friendship – (thank you to CIPWorldwide.org and Michael McManmon)
MINDSET
When a situation arises, consider some of the following ideas.
REGULATE – REFLECT – RESPOND – REPORT
- Bring yourself into regulation. REGULATE:
- Try pursed lip breathing: Exhale slowly through your pursed lips as if you are blowing air through a straw. Exhale as completely as is comfortable, then inhale deeply through your nose. It may take three or more times for your body to begin to relax. Notice the sensations of that happening. Learn more:
- Get back in your body: Cross your arms and rub your hands down from your shoulders to your elbow, or hold your face and imagine yourself being held by your own loving parent. If you know EMDR, try tapping in a way that helps you settle. Learn more:
- Try some of these Self-Regulation strategies. (thanks to www.wiseheartpdx.org for use of this graphic.)
- Move away from the trigger (turn off video, audio, step away from meeting)
- Self soothe: Make a cup of tea, grab a teddy bear, put weighted blanket around your shoulders
- Shake like a duck or wet dog. Learn more: https://www.stepupformentalhealth.org/shake-it-off-the-natural-response-to-relieve-anxiety/ and also https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FeUioDuJjFI
- After you’re regulated, REFLECT:
- Review what happened.
- You might want to make written notes on exactly what occurred.
- Identify feelings and sensations, and underlying needs (Non-Violent Communication) See our feelings chart, feelings wheel, needs wheel, or the feelings/need appendix in the Loving Parent Guidebook, or Marshal B. Rosenberg’s Non-Violent Communication.
- Talk to a neutral third person in the meeting to gain a greater perspective on what happened. Be mindful of searching for agreement versus understanding what happened. Keep the focus on your own feelings and needs, not the behaviour of another person.
- Speak to a therapist, sponsor, or service sponsor.
- Access your Loving Parent. Give care and attention to the part of you that was frightened, angry, or upset. What can that part illuminate about your initial reaction?
- Determine your next self-care steps as appropriate.
- Review what happened.
- Determine what (if any) external steps need to be taken. RESPOND
- Step back into the situation in a regulated state if you feel ready.
- Decide whether you need to speak to the person(s) whose behaviour was triggering. Does it need to be said? Non-violent communication can help you state your feelings and ask for what you need. See below*
- Determine whether you need to report someone (harassing/predatory behavior) or ask for a group conscience. Does it need to be said? Does does it need to be said now? Does it need to be said by me? Is it helpful to the group? Access online material and literature:
- Access ACA material: BRB, NEED REFERENCES. Lisa will check..
- If you feel the need to raise a motion, go here.
- Finally, REPORT repeated harassing or predatory behaviour if the problem persists.
Links to Resources:
- Safety Resource committee (WSO).
- * PDF of NVC This is now in our website (2nd Edition)
Wow, this is very helpful. Thank you for access to the incredible resources too!
What a treasure this is, thank you so much!
It is also a good opportunity to see how things have changed for me- especially with the help of this meeting.
At the beginning of my ACA journey, I often times couldn’t distinguish between “feeling uncomfortable or unsafe and actually being in an unsafe situation”. I was so reliant on the rules being followed that I sometimes struggled with even slight deviations. A few times I left the meeting midway through.
As my reparenting progressed, I became more and more able to regulate myself when triggers occured.
I’d very much welcome if we included this to our approach regarding safety in our meeting.
Thank you for your invaluable service.
A few thoughts on the proposal:
Early on two responses to “triggers” (Don’t you wish for a better word? I do) are presented. The first is when a group member is being stalked by a fellow traveler, harassed, etc. The second is when some has a deep emotional response to perhaps, what some one has said or tone of voice.
The rest of the paragraph goes into what to do in the case of the latter but the former (stalking, harassment, etc) needs to be addressed immediately since there is (potentially) an unsafe situation, yet how to respond is addressed at the very end of the proposal. I think it needs to be moved or referred to at the beginning before the Recognize, reflect, etc format.
I’d also suggest that it would be important to describe what is meant by harassment, stalking, bullying, etc.
I’ll be at the Sunday, August 11 Town Hall to better talk about my suggestions.
With gratitude for all the work that has been put into this draft proposal,
Rene
I really like this exploration of the differences between discomfort (feeling unsafe) vs actually being unsafe. Great work!
I think this is all helpful and useful information. I hope that this can also be used to help serve as a place of guidelines for our trusted servants to be able to refer back to within our meetings when these guidelines of behavior have been violated or unsafe responses have been observed inside the meetings. At the very least to be able to pause in a meeting to a comment to acknowledge this behavior/ response with a simple statement of ‘I would like to remind the group of our safety section of our website and if needed I encourage anyone to review the personal safety guidelines section to support their own self care.’
Yes we are all here because we have acknowledged that we have healing to do but/ and we are all still responsible for our own behavior and actions. Additionally we need to empower our trusted servants to be leaders in role modeling and supporting setting limits and boundaries on these behaviors/ responses for themselves and the group as to what is and is not acceptable behavior in this group. This is vitally important to help newcomers and returning members understand the importance of maintaining safety for the individual and group as a whole.
Isn’t this one of the reasons why we have the training for our trusted servants? If they need something to help guide and empower them in these situations, perhaps the creation of a document of Service Rights and Responsibilities?