Personal Safety Suggestions

Background: At SMR we strive to create a gentle and respectful space for ACAs to grow and heal. However, we’re all human and events can happen before, during or after a meeting that create uncomfortable feelings. First, distinguish between feeling uncomfortable or unsafe and actually being in an unsafe situation (being bullied, harassed, or stalked). If someone is threatening you, calling you names, repeatedly contacting you when you’ve asked them not to, or is asking for financial or sexual information from you, please report that activity as soon as you are able (see REPORT below).  These instances are rare, however, so we’ve created this document to help you navigate some of the discomfort that may occur during your ACA journey. 

We encourage you to take some time for yourself when you feel triggered before relying on old habits. Triggers point to our own unhealed wounds and as we explore our feelings and responses we learn to accept the people we cannot change and have the courage to change ourselves. Learning to feel safe in our meeting and the world is a process. It takes time, patience, and good humour to build.

Purpose: To provide tools (see REGULATE below) for you to access to be able to maintain a safe, centered, and balanced participation as an adult in our meeting and in the world, with ongoing guidance from our Loving Parents.

Guidelines: We’ve divided these suggestions into two sections—setting and mindset

SETTING

Familiarize yourself with the boundaries we hold to maintain a respectful space. You’ll find most of these in the Safety section of our website. We’re including links here to those sections and other resources.

MINDSET

When a situation arises, consider some of the following ideas. REGULATE – REFLECT – RESPOND – REPORT

REGULATE

Bring yourself into regulation:

  1. Try pursed lip breathing: Exhale slowly through your pursed lips as if  you are blowing air through a straw. Exhale as completely as is comfortable, then inhale deeply through your nose. It may take three or more times for  your body to begin to relax. Notice the sensations of that happening. Learn more:
  2. Get back in your body: Cross your arms and rub your hands down from your shoulders to your elbow, or hold your face and imagine yourself being held by your own loving parent. If you know EMDR, try tapping in a way that helps you settle. Learn more: 
  3. Try some of these Self-Regulation strategies. (thanks to www.wiseheartpdx.org for use of this graphic.)
  4. Move away from the trigger (turn off video, audio, step away from meeting)
  5. Self soothe: Make a cup of tea, grab a teddy bear, put weighted blanket around your shoulders
  6. Shake like a duck or wet dog. Learn more: https://www.stepupformentalhealth.org/shake-it-off-the-natural-response-to-relieve-anxiety/ and also https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FeUioDuJjFI

REFLECT

After you’re regulated, REFLECT:

  1. Review what happened.
    1. You might want to make written notes on exactly what occurred.
    2. Identify feelings and sensations, and underlying needs (Non-Violent Communication) See our feelings chart, feelings wheel, needs wheel, or the feelings/need appendix in the Loving Parent Guidebook, or Marshal B. Rosenberg’s Non-Violent Communication.
  2. Talk to a neutral third person in the meeting to gain a greater perspective on what happened. Be mindful of searching for agreement versus understanding what happened. Keep the focus on your own feelings and needs, not the behaviour of another person.
  3. Speak to a therapist, sponsor, or service sponsor.
  4. Access your Loving Parent. Give care and attention to the part of you that was frightened, angry, or upset. What can that part illuminate about your initial reaction?
  5. Determine your next self-care steps as appropriate.

RESPOND

Determine what (if any) external steps need to be taken.

  1. Step back into the situation in a regulated state if you feel ready.
  2. Decide whether you need to speak to the person(s) whose behaviour was triggering. Does it need to be said? Non-violent communication can help you state your feelings and ask for what you need. See below*
  3. Determine whether you need to report someone (harassing/predatory behavior) or ask for a group conscience. Does it need to be said? Does does it need to be said now? Does it need to be said by me? Is it helpful to the group? Access online material and literature:
    1. WSO recording: Domineering Behavior Online
    2. Comline, March 2019 on Predatory Behaviour. 
    3. SMR Policy on Predatory Behaviour.
  4. Read and reflect on ACA BRB references to help determine your next steps:
    1. [BRB p349] Thirteenth Step Behavior: can cause a violation of safety through perpetrator or manipulative behaviors.
    2. [BRB p460] PTSD triggers that may be affecting perceptions of the situation.
    3. [BRB p493] Group Conscious reflections as they relate to healthy family dynamics, causes of unhealthy meetings, how to speak to one another and the importance of group unity to personal recovery.
    4. [BRB p491] Chapter Tradition One: Our common welfare should come first; personal recovery depends on ACA unity, many additional references about the Group Conscience..
  5. If you feel the need to raise a motion, go here. 

REPORT

Finally, REPORT repeated harassing or predatory behaviour if the problem persists.

Our SMR policy on Predatory Behaviour

Links to Resources: 

Safety Resource committee (WSO). 

* PDF of NVC This is now in our website (2nd Edition)